Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Why Wasn't I One of Those Chosen for That Mission?

I'm sure that no one who reads my blog would consider me to be a McCain supporter, and indeed they would be correct in that assessment. It's not that I think Obama will be our Saviour, but McCain's got much bigger issues, even if it turns out Obama is as bad as Marion Barry (otherwise known as my favorite pie filling - I love being able to purchase a piece of the Mayor!). However, I don't wish to fill up bandwidth with lots of ponderous pontification on matters politick - I'm not nearly up to date on my readings to do it with any confidence, for one reason.

This does not prevent me from posting the more humorous offerings of this late political season - and believe me, there's plenty o' silliness to be had out there, passing itself off as discourse. For example, enjoy the following right-wing theory about the financial disaster being a left-wing conspiracy (no one mentions all the Republican supporters at the top of the corporate and banking chains who are still coming out of this with their several homes and apartments - yeah, they weren't diverted into taking out subprime loans)...sorry for the digression, here's the conspiracy theory as presented by the Right:
Why the crescendo of economic collapse right before the election? Why didn’t the media and congress act just as concerned some time ago or wait until sometime after the election to go into crisis mode? The timing of the current financial crisis seems too planned and calculating to be just a coincidence. Polls show that people’s number one concern right now is the economy and that for the most part, voters believe Democrats are somewhat more likely to help with the economy. Could it be that the liberal media and those in Congress, knowing that, is blaring the bad economic news from the rooftops in order to manipulate voters into voting for a Democrat? If so, it won’t be the first time.
Well, to answer that question, Barbara Ehrenreich presented the following on her blog:

October 21, 2008

Report from the Socialist International Conspiracy

Surely you have heard by now of the imminent socialist takeover of America, and if you find the prospect unlikely, ask yourself: How many socialists do you know who lost millions in the recent stock market crashes? Just as I thought—none—and that's not only because you don't know any socialists. The truth is that we, the Socialist International Conspiracy, not only saw this coming, we are the ones who made it happen.

The plan took shape during a particularly intense criticism/self-criticism session at our 2000 annual convention in a booth at an Akron IHOP. We realized that we'd been recruiting no more new members per year than the Green Bay Packers and that, despite all our efforts, more Americans have been taken aboard UFO's than have embraced the historic promise of socialism. So we decided to suspend our usual work of standing on street corners and hissing, "Hey, how'd you like to live in a workers' paradise?” Instead of building socialism, one worker at a time, we would focus on destroying capitalism, hedge fund by hedge fund.

First, we selected a cadre of crusty punks from the streets of Seattle, stripped off their Che t-shirts, suited them up in Armani's and wingtips, and introduced them to the concepts of derivatives and dental floss. Then we shipped them to Wall Street with firm instructions: Make as much money as you can, as fast as you can, and as soon as the money starts rolling in, send it out to make more money by whatever dodgy means you can find – subprime loans, credit default swaps, pyramid schemes – anything goes. And oh yes: Spend your own earnings in the most flamboyantly gross ways you can think of -- $10,000 martinis, fountains of champagne – so as to fan the flames of class resentment.

These brave comrades did far better than we could have imagined, quickly adapting to lives of excess and greed punctuated only by squash games at the Century Club. But we could not have inflicted such massive damage to capitalism if we hadn't also planted skilled agents in high places within the government and various quasi-governmental agencies. When all this is over, Phil Gramm, for example—the former senator and McCain economics advisor -- will be getting a Hero of Socialism award for his courageous battle against financial regulation. That's the only name I can name at this moment, but I will tell you this: If you happened to have been in a playground in the suburbs of DC any time in the last few years, and noticed an impeccably dressed elderly man poking around under rocks, that was a certain Federal Reserve Chairman, looking for his weekly orders from the central committee.

Things were going swimmingly until about a week ago, when the capitalists suddenly staged a counter-coup. We had thought that the nationalization of the banks would bring capitalism to its knees, but instead, the capitalists were craftily using it to privatize the government. Goldman Sachs, former home of Henry Paulson, has taken the lead, planting its agents so thickly about the erstwhile public sector as to earn the nickname "Government Sachs." Among the former Goldman Sachs operatives now running the country, in addition to Paulson, are the president's chief of staff, the chairman of the New York Fed, the man appointed to take over A.I.G., and the 35-year-old boy wonder selected to oversee the bail-out program.

According to the New York Times, "Goldman supporters" insist there is no "conspiracy" and not a black helicopter in sight – just a bunch of public-spirited investment bankers sacrificing their normal 8-figure salaries for the good of the nation. But we socialists know a conspiracy when we see one, and some in our ranks are complaining bitterly that as capitalism began to collapse, the bankers seized the life raft that was intended to save the laid-off, the foreclosed-upon, and the exploited masses in general.

Ah well, we socialists still have the election to look forward to. After months of studying the candidates' economic plans, we have determined that one of them, and only one, can be relied on to complete the destruction of capitalism. With high hopes and great confidence, the Socialist International Conspiracy endorses John McCain!

Nice to see that the Socialists are out there doing something besides scaring young college folk, but I was one of those crusty punks on the streets of Seattle in 1999 - why didn't I get a call up?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Goat Hostage: Just watched 10,000 BC. Interesting story.
A Mediterranean dark-haired, brown-eyed hunting society falls upon hard times, it starts to get scary. The sage of the tribe makes dire prophecies. Evil men come from across the mountains on horses, something foreign to the hunting society, but they knew about them because of a blue-eyed little girl they had discovered in a burned out village and had raised.

The horsemen murder those that resist, leave old men, women, and kids, and grab those that they can, including the blue eyed girl because she was unique. The girl’s intended mate had escaped the horsemen. He and his friends set out to bring her back. Along the way, they encounter other tribes who had horror stories about the horsemen. Some joined the rescue mission.

They find the lair of the horsemen and try to convince the hordes of captives that they can find the inner strength to rise up with them and leave. But, convinced that the “masters” were Gods, they resist. The mercenaries set their plan in motion, a riot ensues, the gold capstone of the pyramid is dislodged. But when the “Gods” walk out on the esplanade, the rioting captives fall prostrate on the ground. The leader from the hunting society lets his javelin fly and it hits its mark, and the Pharaoh falls, the riot resumes. The captives all go home, leaving the Egyptian pyramid in ruins.

On the long journey home, African tribes that had joined them branch off as their homelands are passed. The hunters are given seeds of maize and instructions. When they get home, they wait for the thaw, plant the seeds, and realize that the climate was changing, patterns they had always relied upon were no longer patterns. The seeds began to grown, and they knew that they were no longer going to be the tribe that hunted the giant woolly mammoth.

So, get up off the ground, the Gods are mere mortals.

And while you are at it, remember that those who think they are Gods control with fear and false accusations. As in Germany, they pit us against each other and sit back and reap the rewards. Let us learn from the past. DO NOT let those that think they are Gods pit us against each other. False Gods can be defeated easily if we remain united. And plant your seeds, even if it is a container on the balcony. Conspiracy Theory Faults Jews for Lehman Brothers' Collapse. Anti-Semitic Conspiracy Theories Spread Globally As World Markets Grapple With Financial Crisis
New York, NY, October 16, 2008 … Conspiracy theories linking Jews and Israel to the global financial meltdown are taking on global reach as the financial crisis on Wall Street continues to affect markets around the world.